I reminded myself to remember.

I have the word ‘acceptance’ tattooed on my wrist. – I can’t begin to count the number of “so what are you accepting?” comments I have endured in the past ten years since I got this tattoo; it’s obnoxious, unoriginal, and rest assured I’ve wanted to kick every person who’s asked me that question in the shin.

The actual story, is that I got it from a book I read in one of my philosophy classes in college called “The Art of Living.”  In a nutshell the idea is that acceptance is the key to happiness, but it refers to acceptance on many levels. For example – accepting that the only factor you can control in a situation is you and your very own reaction to the action; or accepting that every person in your life is not really yours, they are a person borrowed for an allotted amount of time, and when that time with them is up you must return them back to wherever it is they came from.

OF COURSE this is all much easier said then done, but the theory never claimed that acceptance was easy.

It especially isn’t easy when it comes to matters of the heart. However once in a while, when I’m not picturing myself curbing someone (I at times have violent daydreams what can I say?) I have moments of clarity – Like today. – Today I was having a somewhat stressful day when I started thinking to myself “the only thing you can control is your own reaction. You can’t control the situation. Only the way you choose to handle it.” (I did after all get the tattoo as a reminder for christ’s sake.)

So today I made a choice to not begin hating him, and I must admit I’ve been on that thin line where I could tilt either way for a few days now. Today though, I decided I wouldn’t hate him. I won’t hate him because I think he has already managed to make multiple people do so over time, and one more really doesn’t make a difference. I won’t hate him because when it was good, I had a lot of fun. But ultimately, I won’t hate him because he reminded me what it felt like to love someone, and that felt really fucking good. I don’t give in easily – I don’t let go or let people in regularly. Every so often though it becomes scary to think that you possibly forgot how to do it, and that you could be alone forever (kind of like the stereotype of an old cat lady but sadder because I don’t even like cats.) So even though it didn’t go as desired, its nice to be reminded that you can give that much of yourself, and you can have feelings such as those again. It’s nice to know that the possibility still exists.

I accepted a lesson learned and found a reason to consider it worth my time.

So today I decided not to hate him. Tomorrow however, can be a totally different story…. and I make no guarantees.

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